Getting Gonzo

Uncle Sal and the Misjudged Marlboro Man (Episode 51)

Gary Gonzo — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 16:28:27 GMT

Giacomo arrived to take Uncle Sal to the dachshund races and as soon as he was in the car, Uncle Sal removed his sandalwood stovepipe hat and said, "What on earth is going on with that Cementhead Mitchell? I read inna paper that the Hill family wants to charge him with public indecency."

"It's totally bogus, that's what it is."

"It don't sound bogus from what they said inna newspaper."

"Well, when have you ever known the newspaper to give the real story? Cementhead told me all about it himself the other night at our bowling league."

Uncle Sal removed a packet of oyster crackers from the inside pocket of his Members Only jacket and offered one to Giacomo, who declined and continued his story. "See, Cementhead did the same thing he does every morning. He made some coffee and then took the cup of coffee out on the patio. He was in his boxers because he had just woken up, and because from what he's told me, he doesn't normally wear anything more than that around the house." Giacomo guided his car onto the freeway and said, "So there's Cementhead in his boxers on the patio, having his first cup of coffee and smoke of the day. And he did what a lot of guys do when they first wake up. With a cigarette in his mouth, he stretched and then he scratched himself."

"Scratched himself, is that all?"

"Yeah, that's all. Apparently the Hills are really conservative folks and the twelve-year-old girl Jill just happened to see Cementhead scratching himself. She told her parents and then her parents called the cops. All because Cementhead was having a smoke and scratching himself on his own patio. Like he's the first guy that's ever done that. OK, so maybe he could have been more discreet about it, but..."

"Sure, it's no big deal to most people with half a brain, but it's lewd to the Hills."

This episode featured:
Fred "Grizzly" Adamawiecz as Giacomo
Todd Recene as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the packet of oyster crackers.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Get a U-Haul full of souvenirs."

Uncle Sal and the Disgruntled Diner (Episode 50)

Gary Gonzo — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 18:42:52 GMT

Uncle Sal had just hung his blackberry stovepipe hat on the rack by the door when he heard a knock. Giacomo stood there with a little wisp of a blond wearing a pale blue sundress.

"Uncle Sal, I want you to meet Ellen. Ellen, this is my Uncle Sal."

Uncle Sal shook her thin hand and felt like he might break it if he shook too hard. "You guys are right on time. I just got home myself and I'm gonna start cooking dinner. Fix yourselves a drink, and fix me one while you're at it."

Giacomo followed him into the kitchen to get some ice and a jar of olives for the drinks. "What are you cooking?"

"I'm gonna make some beef stew. "

"That sounds good," Ellen said, settling into one of the stools in the kitchen.

Uncle Sal looked her over. She was skinnier than Giacomo normally liked his girls. He wondered if one piece of beef, or even one piece of carrot would make her full. "I gotta tell ya, every time I make beef stew, it reminds me of this guy Bruce Neville. We went to this restaurant one time called The Bum's Steer. Bruce, boy could he eat. He ordered a big plate of steak fries covered in cheese, just as his appetizer and then for his entree he ordered beef stew. Well, he went through them fries like they was going out of style and then looked like he was gonna start gnawing on the table while he waited for the stew."

Uncle Sal started sauteeing the beef and Giacomo came into the kitchen with the drinks: martinis for him and Ellen and a Scotch neat for Uncle Sal. "Well, Bruce's stew finally arrives and he looks at it. Then he looks at the waiter. 'Excuse me. I ordered the beef stew.' The waiter looks right back at 'im and says, 'Sir, that is the beef stew.' Well, ol' Bruce wasn't gonna stand for that. He told the waiter it wasn't beef stew it was beef in broth with some undercooked vegetables. The waiter just kept telling him that he had the stew right in front of him. Well, that set Bruce off. 'This is supposed to be a restaurant that specializes in beef. And you can't even make a decent stew. Let me tell ya one thing, pal. I ain't payin' for this because this ain't what I ordered. Do I have to go back into that kitchen and make the stew myself?' On and on he went. He was ready to go into the kitchen and fight the cook responsible for making his food. In the end, he made such a stink that the manager of the place come out and told us the meal would be on the house."

"That's great! Ellen said."

"Sure, it was good that we got a free meal out of it, but that whole ugly scene could have been avoided if they'd just given the Neville his stew."

This episode featured:
Dirk Pugh as Uncle Sal
Sylvester Swanson as Giacomo
Ginger Seals as Ellen
and
Jellybean Merengue as the jar of olives.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Your new nickname is Flounder."

Uncle Sal and the Miffed Mechanic (Episode 49)

Gary Gonzo — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 07:13:35 GMT

Uncle Sal picked up Giacomo in his Dodge Dart and headed on his way to the Wombats baseball game. His sand-colored stovepipe hat nearly scraped the roof of the car. After only getting a block away from Giacomo's place, Uncle Sal saw a roadside assistance truck driver assisting someone with a flat tire.

"Look at that jack. Sure, they all look real pretty, but they sure don't make 'em like they used to. I knew this tow truck driver Vern Hamel. He drove a tow truck twenny years. Not only that, he had the same truck twenny years. Everybody knew ol' Vern's orange Ford truck. Well, it started out orange. But it faded over all them years of dust and sunlight. He had the same jack all that time too. Said if his truck or his jack ever gave out, he wouldn't be a tow truck driver no more."

Uncle Sal turned left to head toward the stadium. "Anyway, Vern gets a call one night. It's raining and some guy in a suit's got a flat tire. Well, you know, Vern's gotta do his job. He goes out to this dark road in the rain and he gets his gear from the back of the truck. Right away, the guy in the suit come outta his car with an umbrella. Doesn't offer to hold the umbrella over Vern, mind you. Well, this guy, Nelson Shaw was his name. Vern never forgot it because he never met anyone as annoying. This fella is talking the whole time Vern's getting ready to work on that big ol' Chrysler. Wasn't talking about anything interesting: his business, his wife, his kids. You know, all that stuff people can bore you with."

Giacomo adjusted his Wombats baseball cap and wondered where the story was going.

"So, Vern gets his jack under the Chrysler, cranks it three times and BOOM!" Uncle Sal slapped the steering wheel. "That Chrysler come right back down on the shoulder of the road. Well, that Shaw starts cussing a blue streak at Vern. Called him incompetent and said he'd sue if his car was damaged. Vern, he didn't care about anything the guy said. He just up and left the guy by the side of the road. And he was true to his word. He never drove a tow truck again because that was the Shaw that broke Hamel's jack."

This episode featured
Hugo Furst as Uncle Sal
Adam Assenmacher as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Wombats cap

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "She has fingernails that shine like justice."

Uncle Sal and the Problematic Prescription (Episode 48)

Gary Gonzo — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 15:41:53 GMT

Uncle Sal sat next to Giacomo at the bar. His umber stovepipe hat rested beside his Scotch. A commercial came on the television behind the bar and Uncle Sal threw a peanut at the screen. "Dangit! I don't want to see this commercial. I hate the commercials for these dang male enhancement pills." He altered his voice, presumably to sound like someone taking the medication. "Lookit me! I take these pills and now I can throw a football through a tire swing." He sipped his Scotch and said, "It's disgusting! Can't go five minutes without seein' one of them commercials."

"I have two friends that were taking those things. Todd French and Todd Szymanski. They're actually roommates, so you can imagine the confusion they have with incoming phone calls." He took a drink of his ale and said, "At first they both thought the pills were great. They were, well, let's just say they were putting that medicine to good use. And they told me all about it, whether I wanted them to or not. Then French started complaining about how his vision was getting fuzzy. Said it was pretty gradual, but he was more than a little disturbed by it. He never wore glasses before in his life, and then one day he almost got into an accident because his vision was so fuzzy. A few weeks later, Szymanski starts complaining about a gradual decline in his vision. Same thing. Never wore glasses before."

"That's what happens when ya get older, Giacomo. Things don't work the way they oughta. Always seems to start with the eyes."

"Yeah, I know, but these two guys were both twenty-twenty. One time, French was driving at night and stood on the brakes to avoid hitting a rabbit. He had seen the car lights reflected in the rabbit's eyes. I'm telling you, it was something. Doctors started looking into it and they couldn't find any cause at first. They eventually eliminated all the possibilities except for one thing. They figured out that the two guys were losing their vision because of those pills they were taking. Do you believe it? They were getting more action in bed but giving up their sight for the privilege."

"Why the heck are those two guys taking the pills anyway? Are they old guys?"

"No, they're probably early thirties. But didn't you hear what I said?"

"Course I heard ya. You're telling me the pills of the Todds blind slowly."

This episode featured:
Early Hammer as Uncle Sal
Jesus Jenkins as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the peanut.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Why did Constantinople get the works?"

Uncle Sal and the Hidden Habit (Episode 47)

Gary Gonzo — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 19:18:03 GMT

Uncle Sal hung his periwinkle stovepipe hat on the hat rack and slid into the booth across from his sister. The bags under her eyes had grown since the last time she saw her. She stirred her tea with a Jimmy Carter spoon and barely looked up as Sal entered the booth.

"What's the matter now, Mary Evelyn? Every time I see you, you look like someone whose pet turtle just died."

"Well, it's that younger sister again. I mean, we had that problem with the...noises from her room. And then she just got sullen for a while."

"Yeah, yeah. And she wouldn't even play the weekly canasta game. What's she up to now?"

"Well, she might have worked her way right out of the convent this time. And it's too bad. She's got such a good heart."

"Maybe so, but without ever having met her, I'd say she's just too wild to be in a convent. But you didn't answer my question."

"Well, she got sullen for a while. And then, one day, she was back to normal. I don't know if one of the other sisters had a chat with her or what. But she was her usual happy self again. We found out this week why she's been so happy. She's been sneaking out at night. She won't say what she's been doing, but we can only imagine. Every night, she's been sneaking out and coming back in sometime early, and I mean early in the morning."

"I gotta say, I can't blame her. Prolly gets awfully stuffy in that convent, 'specially for a young woman. How'd she get caught?"

"We have this umbrella stand by the door, shaped like a cat. You know, it hasn't rained in a while so no one has needed to use it. Well, one night, Sister Mary Katherine came in kind of late. She couldn't sleep and she went for a walk even though it was drizzling. Well, when she put her umbrella into that umbrella stand, it didn't make the usual sound it makes when an umbrella hits the bottom. Sister Mary Katherine looked inside and she saw a habit. Well, this young sister, she's the only one small enough to fit in it, so..." Mary Evelyn's voice trailed off.

"That's pretty sharp. She was going out every night and when she came back, she'd pull her habit out of the cat."

This episode featured:
Dallas Royer as Uncle Sal
Claire Voyence as Sister Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Jimmy Carter spoon

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willets?"

Uncle Sal and the Bizarre Bout (Episode 46)

Gary Gonzo — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 06:15:31 GMT

Uncle Sal took his seat between Giacomo and Alice at the old Civic Arena for the evening's boxing match between Frankie "Thunder" Bolton and Tony Toluca. He placed his saffron stovepipe hat on his lap and opened his program. "Boy, I tell ya, Giacomo. This is gonna be one great bout. I'm glad you were able to get some tickets to this."

Alice held out her bag of popcorn and Uncle Sal took a handful. With a mouthful of popcorn, he said, "I ever tell ya about the craziest fight I ever saw?"

"You mean the one where your friend fought an orangutan in a bar?"

"No, not that one. I mean the craziest fight I ever saw between two humans. There was this guy PT Unterberg. He told everyone that the PT stood for Paul Thompson, after his granddad. Well, that didn't matter to us. As far as we knew, PT stood for Pretty Tall. he was prolly six-foot-ten and about three hunnerd and fifteen pounds. Ain't nobody wanted to mess with ol' PT, I can tell ya that. 'Cept for this one fella, and he was probably the least likely person you could imagine would want to mess with PT. This fella stood about five-foot-nothin'." Uncle Sal sipped his beer from the plastic cup. "Well at this bar, PT sees this fella and starts throwing peanuts at him. The little fella gets up, goes across the room, and he's got busted peanut shells in his hair. PT even landed one in the guy's shirt pocket. Well now, this fella stands in front of PT and says, 'You've been throwing peanuts at me, and let me tell you I ain't happy.'"

Uncle Sal took another handful of popcorn and washed it down with another swallow of beer. "I tell ya, I still don't believe what happened next. PT leaned way down, patted the little fella on the head and said, 'Which one are ya then?' Little fella gets so upset, he just bites PT's forearm. I don't hafta tell ya PT wasn't gonna stand for that. He just made a fist and conked that little fella on top of the ol' coconut and that guy just fell straight back onto the floor, out cold. That little guy, he only proved what the rest of us already knew: You can't bite Pretty Tall."

This episode featured:
Neil B. Formy as Uncle Sal
Grover Beard as Giacomo
Mollie Gee as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bag of popcorn.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I used to be with it, but now what I'm with isn't it."

Uncle Sal and the Coat Caper (Episode 45)

Gary Gonzo — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 06:17:56 GMT

Uncle Sal entered the Root Hog or Diner and saw Giacomo reading the newspaper in a booth. He had apparently gone back to his busty ex-girlfriend Alexa, who was seated next to him. Uncle Sal saw the comics section of the newspaper on his side of the booth and placed his canary stovepipe hat on top of it. He picked up a menu and said, "They got stuffed pork chops here? Boy, does that sound good. With extra gravy...mmmm."

Giacomo folded the newspaper and tucked it under his leg. "Did you read the newspaper today?"

"Naw, I normally can't be bothered. What's the news?"

"The police just cracked a case that was pretty ingenious. A couple guys started working at that fancy French restaurant La Grenouille Bleue. Apparently, it's where the highbrow crowd goes for their three-martini lunches and hundred-dollar entrees. It's always full of various entrepreneurs, CEOs and vice presidents. So, the coat-check guys see all these expensive coats, right? And they get an idea. I mean, of course they were rifling in the coat pockets. Even if they just find twenty bucks, they can pocket it and no one in that crowd is ever going to notice he's missing it. I mean, those guys probably blow their nose with twenties. Anyway, these coat-checkers decide that an extra twenty now and then is good, but they could do better. So they start moving the coats out the back door. Just once in a while, so it seems like an honest mistake. Now anyone that wants a designer coat and doesn't want to pay full price, they see these guys and get it for a fraction of the cost. The problem came when they tried to move a twenty thousand dollar fur coat to an undercover cop. Pretty crafty, eh?"

"I'll say it is. Get a job at some swanky restaurant and separate the veeps from their coats."

This episode featured:
Ivar Theobald as Uncle Sal
Orville Koharski as Gicaomo
Consuela Hightower as Alexa
and
Jellybean Merengue as the comics section.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If I only had a pencil-thin mustache."

Uncle Sal and the Relieved Roller (Episode 44)

Gary Gonzo — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 15:00:25 GMT

Uncle Sal sat down next to Ilse in one of the chairs at lane 12 of the Chicken Bowl and removed his forest green and rust colored wingtips. "Who'd ya say is gonna be our fourth, Giacomo?"

"Frankie Fatone."

"Frankie Fatone? That guy who's about as smart as a bowl of gravy? And just as handsome?"

"OK, so he's not the smartest guy in the world."

"Not the smartest guy in the world? He's barely the smartest guy in his own shirt. 'Member the time he broke his nose tryin' to go through a door before he turned the knob?"

"Yeah, I remember. But he's a great bowler. He will really help us in this league. As long as he's not preoccupied."

Uncle Sal chortled. "What can possibly preoccupy Fatone, 'cept where he's gonna get his next donut?"

"Well, his ex-girlfriend just had a baby boy named Ross. She's been trying to say that Frankie is the father, but he knows he isn't. Ross was conceived sometime after Frankie and his girlfriend broke up and she moved to Oklahoma. Doesn't seem to make any difference to her. She keeps hounding him, saying he's the father and she's gonna sue him for child support."

"Why on earth would she do that? Don't she know that Fatone is always as broke as a man can get? And don't she know that if her baby come from that gene pool, well, there ain't much hope for the little fella? Besides, don't she know that away from him is the best place she can be?" Uncle Sal slipped his right foot into the bowling shoe and fastened the Velcro strap. "I imagine Frankie is pretty relieved about the whole thing."

"Yeah, of course. Wouldn't you be?"

"Heck, I am relieved, just knowing that bowling Fatone didn't father no Ross."

This episode featured:
Ulysses Weiss as Uncle Sal
Milagros Jorgensen as Giacomo
Imelda Nadeau as Ilse
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Velcro strap

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I don't want no foo-foo haircut sittin' on my head."

Uncle Sal and the Cocked-Up Cafe (Episode 43)

Gary Gonzo — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 12:52:21 GMT

Uncle Sal stood looking at the site of the Nouveau Nightclub and said, "Y'know, Giacomo, I bet this here nightculb came about because some wallflower got dragged to a nightclub one too many times. This here reminds me of a bidness a friend of mine started in Tacos, New Mexico. It all started with a hangover. See, my friend Kate likes to drink. I mean, who don't, right? Well, one time she wakes up with a hangover to stop an elephant."

Uncle Sal looked down and saw his beige and blue wingtips were untied. He bent down to tie them, then continued his story. "So Kate had this wicked hangover, right. One of them hangovers where the slightest move hurts. She stumbled down the street to the coffee shop and she was in such bad shape, she could barely see the menu. She figured she'd just get a cup of coffee. You know, that was sposta to be the hangover cure back then. Well, the woman behind the counter, she can see Kate's in bad shape. She tells Kate to sit down. She'll take care of the whole thing. That lady came back to Kate's table with some kinda witch's brew with a tea from Ceylon, some milk, pomegranate juice and who knows what else. Kate swears that five minutes after she drank that potion, her hangover was gone."

Uncle Sal kicked a pine cone that had fallen at his feet and said, "So, Kate, she decided this was too good an idea to pass up. She came up with a place that was a bar - The Hairy Eyeball - on one side and The Cocked-Up Cafe on the other. And she hired that woman to make her hangover cure in the cafe. Now people in Tacos can go out drinkin' and get their hangover cure before they even get into bed. All on account of the bad hangover Kate had, she started a successful business. Now she minds her teas and booze."

This episode featured:
Humbert Sciubba as Uncle Sal
Chance Hadley as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pine cone.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "We're gettin' the band back together."

Uncle Sal and the Nouveau Nightclub (Episode 42)

Gary Gonzo — Mon, 26 May 2008 16:24:29 GMT

Uncle Sal pulled down on the 8-ball gearshift and shifted the Dodge Dart into gear. But before he pressed his beige and blue wingtip to the accelerator, he touched the head of the plastic Jesus on his dashboard.

"Cool plastic Jesus, Uncle Sal. Where'd you get it?"

"Garage sale."

"It's awesome! I should get myself one of those. Turn right here."

"Why would I turn right here? That ain't the way to yer place. I thought we was goin' to yer place for drinks."

"We will, but I want to show you something first."

Giacomo navigated Uncle Sal downtown and told him to stop in front of a recently constructed building that was bare on the inside. A sign declared "SITE OF THE NOUVEAU NIGHTCLUB -- OPENING SOON."

"Check this out, Uncle Sal. My friend Fat Jerry is going to be the manager of this place."

"Just what this town needs, another nightclub with horrible electronic music."

"This isn't just going to be any nightclub. It's going to be a nightclub and a library."

"Who ever heard of such a thing?"

"Exactly! That's why it's genius. Think about it. You have a nightclub, and there are the people that like to drink and dance and have a good time. But sometimes they drag their wallflower friends, who don't really want to dance or drink. Well, you know as well as I do that a leopard can't change its spots, so the wallflowers pretty much remain wallflowers and wait until their friends are ready to go home. With this place, the wallflowers can sit and read books like your favorite The Grapes of Wrath until they have to drive their drunk friends home. What do you think?"

"Well, it's unique. I'll give 'em that. A place where the clubber meets the Joad."

This episode featured:
Max Hammer as Uncle Sal
Delmar Mayo as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the plastic Jesus

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear."

Uncle Sal and the Befuddled Baker (Episode 41)

Gary Gonzo — Wed, 21 May 2008 05:05:10 GMT

Uncle Sal climbed out of his Dodge Dart and walked up the sidewalk to Giacomo's condo. He rang the doorbell and then saw that his left purple and silver wingtip was untied. As he secured the knot, the door opened. Giacomo looked to one side of the door, then the other. "Uncle Sal, I thought you were bringing Alice."

Uncle Sal stood up and said, "Well that's a fine how do you do. Good to see you too, Giacomo." He strode past his nephew and into the condo where his girlfriend Ilse was propped on the bullfrog pillow on the couch.

Giacomo closed the front door and said, "Well, it's just that we have four tickets to the theater. Now we're going to have one extra."

From behind the bar, Uncle Sal said, "It's no big deal. We can sell the extra ticket and we can prolly get more than we paid for it too," he said as he poured a bourbon for himself.

"But, we were going to, you know, have a double-date. Now, one of us is going to have to sit next to a stranger. And by the way, you still haven't told me where Alice is."

Uncle Sal felt the bourbon make a warm trail to his stomach and said, "Sump'n came up. Whatta ya want me to do?"

Giacomo waited for Uncle Sal to continue, but he seemed content with his bourbon. "Am I not supposed to ask what came up?"

"Jeez, Giacomo. Ya sound just like a woman. OK, I'll tell ya. Alice is takin' this bakin' class, right? This is the second time she's taken it. The first time she had to stop halfway through because again sump'n came up. Anyway, last week her bread didn't come out too good. And tomorrow it's donuts." He sipped his bourbon. "So, she decided to stay home tonight."

"Instead of going to see Mike and the Magic Mud Pie with us, she stayed home to practice making donuts?"

"Well, I can't say I blame her. She's failed her crullers in the past."

This episode featured :
Xavier Hawk as Uncle Sal
Waldo Hunt as Giacomo
Yolanda Butts as Ilse
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bullfrog pillow

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I just want to wish you good luck. We're all counting on you."

Uncle Sal and the Annoying Angler (Episode 40)

Gary Gonzo — Wed, 14 May 2008 05:02:52 GMT

Uncle Sal bent down and tied the lace of the red and orange wingtip on his right foot. He raised his highball glass and sipped his bourbon and soda as he watched the Wombats game on the television. Alice sipped her greyhound and asked about the game.

"That was a strike," Uncle Sal said. he had explained baseball to her so many times, he could hardly stand it. But still, she positively refused to to understand the grand old game.

"So he's out?"

"No. That's only strike two. Now, just watch the game. It's the eighth inning. I don't wanna miss anything." Just then Uncle Sal looked at the door. "Oh no!"

"What? Is the man out now?"

"I dunno. Look who just walked in." Uncle Sal pointed to Harley Gooch.

"What's wrong with him?"

"What's wrong with him? Holy muskrats! What's not wrong with him? The guy is a nuisance. He's got a story for everything, and I mean everything. Why, to hear him tell it, he's climbed Mount Everest twice. Blindfolded. I just hope he don't sit here next to me."

Moments later, the stool next to Uncle Sal was occupied by the girth of Harley Gooch. One stool was barely enough to contain him. His shoulder brushed Uncle Sal's, causing Uncle Sal to move closer to Alice.

"HEY THERE, SAL? HOW'VE YOU BEEN?" Alice jumped at the man's voice which was far too loud and booming to be contained by any building. "YOU KNOW ME. BUSY AS EVER. I'VE BEEN WORKING ON MY DODGE SWINGER. THING RUNS LIKE A DREAM, EVEN THIRTY-FIVE YEARS AFTER IT WAS MADE." After ordering a boilermaker, Harley said, "BEEN FISHING LATELY?"

Uncle Sal looked like a man suffering severe indigestion. He squirmed on his stool and said, "No, Harley. I ain't been fishing in a while."

"HAD SOME GOOD TRIPS MYSELF. WENT UP TO IDAHO AND DID SOME FISHING THERE. BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY. CAUGHT SOME OF THE BEST LARGEMOUTH YOU EVER SEEN. SAY, SPEAKING OF BASS...DID YOU KNOW..."

Uncle Sal nearly ground his molars to dust. He wanted to catch the end of the game, but not if it meant sitting next to Gooch. He looked at his wrist, and though he wasn't wearing a watch, he said, "Look at the time! Gee, it sure was swell to see ya, Harley. We gotta movie to catch." He left some money on the bar, took Alice's hand and dashed to the door.

"What is the matter with you, Sal? That man was right in the middle of talking to you."

"Oh no he wasn't. He was just getting started."

"That doesn't make it OK to just get up and leave."

Uncle Sal rolled his eyes and said, "What was I supposed to do? The guy was gettin' 'round to bass facts."

This episode featured:
Vito Varner as Uncle Sal
Fannie Call as Alice
Fred Goff as Harley Gooch
and
Jellybean Merengue as the highball glass

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It takes a wise man to make it without working."

my interview with Barry Adamson in Art Nouveau Magazine

Gary Gonzo — Tue, 06 May 2008 20:10:10 GMT

Recently (on my birthday, actually), I had the chance to interview Barry Adamson about his new album <i>Back to the Cat</i>. He gave me a lot of great answers and I think it came out pretty well. Check out my interview with Barry Adamson.

Uncle Sal and the Mundane Movie (Episode 39)

Gary Gonzo — Wed, 07 May 2008 04:49:04 GMT

Uncle Sal sat down across from Alice and put on his pewter bowler hat on one of the empty chairs. "What did you think of the movie?" she asked.

"Not too much, I can tell ya that."

"Oh Sal! What was wrong with it? It's a very cute movie."

"That's the problem. It's cute. Ain't nothin' special story-wise neither. How many movies you think have been made about two men in love with the same woman? They're essentially always the same movie. In the end, she chooses neither one of them. Besides, I knew a woman in college in the same situation."

A waitress named Jodie came to their table and Uncle Sal ordered a slice of Key lime pie and a cup of decaf. Alice said it was too late for either and ordered a hot tea.

"She had these two guys after her: Ernie Bell and this guy we called Otter. Now, Ernie was just about the laziest guy you'd ever want to meet. Guy never did an hour of work when I knew him. If someone was movin' to a new apartment, he'd come up with just about any excuse he could dream of to get outta helpin' somebody move. He'd go to a job interview with a plan to avoid getting the job."

Jodie brought the tea for Alice and the coffee and Key lime pie for Uncle Sal. He put a piece of the pie into his mouth, then asked Alice if she wanted a bite. She shook her head. "So this guy Otter. I dunno what it was about him. All the girls thought he was cute. But this guy was always smokin' the marijuana. Every day, first thing in the morning he'd roll one up and smoke it. I don't think I ever saw him when his eyes wasn't all bloodshot." Uncle Sal sipped his coffee and said, "So then it happened just like the movie. The guys find out about each other and they both tell her, 'It's him or me.'"

"So, what happened?"

"What do you think happened? She chose neither one of them. Ain't much of a choice when you think about it: Bum Bell or High Otter."

This episode featured
Al Butts as Uncle Sal
Lulu Pierre as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Key lime pie

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The stars above are about the only company I keep."

Uncle Sal and the Forlorn Friend (Episode 38)

Gary Gonzo — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 05:21:57 GMT

Uncle Sal had just put on his honeydew-colored bowler hat and was getting ready to leave the Root Hog Or Diner when Giacomo walked in. He put his bowler hat on the seat next to him in the booth and said, "Jeez, Giacomo! Where ya been? I been waitin' here almost thirty minutes. I was ready to go home and have dry white toast for lunch. What took ya so long?"

"Oh, it's my friend Randy Samich. We got caught up in a discussion because he just broke up with his girlfriend." Giacomo picked up the hog-shaped menu and said, "I just can't believe he broke up with this girl, and I told him so. She's the best girl you'd ever want to meet. She's beautiful, with long dark hair and these eyes that are such a pale blue they're almost gray. And she is the sweetest thing. She's always affectionate with him and she lets him go and hang out with the guys when he wants."

Uncle Sal looked at the menu. "You been here before. How's the club sandwich?"

"What? Oh, the club. Yeah, it's pretty good. So, anyway. Not only is this girl beautiful and affectionate and sweet. She can cook like you wouldn't believe. Her chicken piccata is outstanding. I mean, it's as good as anything you can get in any restaurant around here."

"Why are you taking this so hard? It's not like you broke up with her. Matter-a fact, I think you'd be happy. You like this girl so much, here's your chance to ask her out."

Giacomo sighed. "Uncle Sal, I'm already seeing someone. You met her last week. Remember Alexa?"

Uncle Sal shrugged. "Yeah, yeah. The one with the big..." Giacomo glared at Uncle Sal. "Sounds to me like you this this girl better than Alexa."

"I can't just ditch Alexa and go after Randy's ex-girlfriend. That would make things awkward for everyone. I guess I'm just bummed because she's so cool. I mean, I just can't see why he would break up with her."

"Yeah. You can't see it. That's just it. I'm sure your friend had a perfectly good reason for breaking up with WonderGirl. Maybe she snores. Maybe she bites her toenails. Maybe she nagged him so much that he felt he had to break up with her. She may be really affectionate and a good cook, but there's more to a relationship than that, you know. It's not all dear and vittles."

This episode featured:
Carmelo Chen as Uncle Sal
Napoleon Rosales as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the hog-shaped menu.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "There's a time and place for everything. It's called college."

Uncle Sal and the Sasquatch Sighting (Episode 37)

Gary Gonzo — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 04:37:45 GMT

Uncle Sal walked into the barber shop and hung his copper bowler hat on the hat rack by the door. He had just settled into the barber chair with the apron fastened around his neck when his old friend Clyde MacDowell walked in.

"What are you grinnin' about, Clyde?"

"You know that guy, Vic Gaspard?"

"Sure, I know him. We go way back," Sal replied.

"Well, I just ran into his son Bobby and you're never gonna believe what happened. Seems the young Gaspard was out hiking one day and he came across a Sasquatch."

"Aw, what a buncha baloney! Ain't no such thing as a Sasquatch."

"Yeah, that's what Bobby Gaspard used to think. Like I said, he was out hiking, and he stopped for a minute to eat one of them energy bars. You know the things kinda like chewing on a used tire, but they're supposed to be really good for you? Well, as he's sitting there eating the energy bar, the Sasquatch just came up and asked him if he had an extra energy bar. Well, you can imagine Gaspard's surprise. Here he's out walking and not only does he find a Sasquatch, he finds one that speaks to him. In English."

Uncle Sal waved his hand, dismissing Clyde's story.

"Hear me out, Sal. I ain't got to the best part yet. Well, that ol' Sasquatch didn't even bother to take the wrapper off the energy bar. He just shoved the thing in his mouth and walked away."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

"See it you can my, old friend, next time you run into Bobby Gaspard. He showed me the picture on his cell phone."

Uncle Sal merely chuckled. "Boy, did he pull one over on you. I met kids less gullible than you."

"What are you saying? You don't believe me even though I saw the picture with my own eyes?"

"I ain't saying I don't believe you. I'm saying I don't believe Bobby Gaspard. Why, his old man once told me he found a mermaid in the community pool. If he's anything like his daddy, then he's got a gift for fiction."

"So you don't believe anything I just told you?"

"No, course I don't. First off, ain't no such thing as Sasquatch. But more than that, Bobby's all bull and a Gaspard, Clyde."

This episode featured
Odell Funk as Uncle Sal
Roscoe Horn as Clyde MacDowell
and
Jellybean Merengue as the apron.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Right in the lumberyard."

Uncle Sal and the Lengthy Line (Episode 36)

Gary Gonzo — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 05:12:25 GMT

Uncle Sal stood in line waiting to pay for his snakeskin boots. He removed his sapphire bowler hat, wiped his head with his handkerchief and said to Alice, "What a deal on these boots. Gen-u-wine snakeskin for only thirty-five bucks. You'll never get a better deal than that, I'll tell ya. I dunno about this line though. It's ridiculous. If I weren't gettin' such a good deal, there's no way I'd wait in this line. It reminds me of when I worked at Ditherman's. It was a store just like this one in Piscataway. They moved me from general clerk to menswear and they were training this new guy to take my place as a general clerk. You wanna know what the guy's name was?"

Alice merely looked over her glasses at him and waited to hear the man's name.

"Dieter Krauthammer. Lemme tell ya sumpin'. All that talk about German efficiency, you coulda never proved it by this guy Krauthammer. He was all thumbs. Not only that. He was all left thumbs. I tell ya, I never seen anyone so inept with his hands, and he was only running a cash register. Imagine if he was trying to build furniture."

The person at the front of the line finished paying for his transaction and Uncle Sal and Alice took a step forward. "Seemed like every day ol' Krauthammer was on the register, there was a line at least as long as this. Probably longer."

"Don't be so hard on the guy. Department stores are always crowded and he was just learning."

"Yeah, but that's just it. Even after he'd already learned the deal, he couldn't quite manage to push the right buttons in the right sequence. He'd hack at the thing and then he'd inevitably call for manager assistance. Store prolly lost a lotta business because of his two left hands. I kinda felt bad for the guy. But then I guess that's what happens when you throw a clunky mensch in the clerks."

This episode featured:
Burl Langley as Uncle Sal
Millicent Tilley as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the snakeskin boots.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "There's what's right and there's what's right and never the twain shall meet."

Uncle Sal and the Purloined Pannikin (Episode 35)

Gary Gonzo — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 16:14:36 GMT

Uncle Sal removed his moss-colored bowler hat as he stepped into Alice's apartment. On her shelf of knickknacks, he saw a ceramic cherub with a bare bottom. He chuckled as he walked toward the sofa.

"What's so funny?" Alice asked as she headed toward the bar to prepare a Scotch for him.

"It's just your little bare-bottomed angel reminded me of something funny. When I was in college, I knew this weird guy name of Cornelius Hammer. You know in all them movies with elves and dwarves and whatnot? Well, you know the kinda coat they always wear in them things? Corny wore one of them as his winter coat. Like I said, he's a weird fella. We went to this restaurant one time had a really weird menu." She handed him his Scotch and he took a sip. "That hits the spot. Anyway, as I was saying, this place had the weirdest menu I ever saw. That was right up Corny's alley. He ordered, get this, stuffed peppers served in the lining of a cow's stomach."

Alice winced.

"Yeah, I know. You think it sounds bad. You should have seen it. We finished eatin' and Corny ordered a digestif. Well, they brought his schnapps or whatever it was in a little shot glass that looked just like someone's rear end. We had a good laugh about that, I can tell ya. But Corny, he just kept looking at that glass. Told me he needed to have it. Every time he took a sip, he'd tell me how great that would look in his place."

Alice looked disapprovingly, sensing where the story was going. Uncle Sal sipped his Scotch and looked at her. "So what happened?" she asked.

"Well, ol' Corny was a resourceful one. He saw sumpin' he wanted and he wouldn't let right or wrong stand in his way. He put that in his tripe and cloaked it."

This episode featured:
Hal Wall as Uncle Sal
Araceli Ouelette as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bare-bottomed cherub.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I married a Bigfoot!"

Uncle Sal and the Non-standard Nuptials (Episode 34)

Gary Gonzo — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 05:10:55 GMT

Uncle Sal shook the rain from his emerald bowler hat, then stepped into Giacomo's house. "I appreciate you inviting me over for some cocktails. With all this rain, a man could sure use some whiskey."

As Giacomo walked to the bar, Uncle Sal said, "Hey, you'll never guess who I ran into. You remember the girlfriend you had when you were I dunno, sixteen or sumpin' like 'at?"

"You saw Danae?"

"No. I ran into her aunt. You know the one that wears too much bright pink lipstick. Anyway, Aunt Mabel, or whatever the heck her name is, was telling me Danae's gettin hitched tomorrow."

"Is that right?"

"Yeah, that's right. And get this. She's marryin' some fella name of Cletus. Big burly fella, I guess. Mabel gave me the whole story, but you know how she can go on. I wasn't really paying attention. So she tells me all about this guy and how he and Danae met. I just went to the market to get some cheese and crackers and she's detaining me, telling me all about these two folks I barely even know." Uncle Sal took a sip of whiskey from the highball glass Giacomo handed him and continued. "One thing I do remember is her tellin' me that the wedding is gonna be like an episode of HR Pufnstuf."

"What on earth is HR Pufnstuf?"

"You kids today! You don't know nothing if it happened before you were born. HR Pufnstuf was a show by Sid and Marty Krofft. It had all these weird puppets on it, so some folks thought it was a show for kids. It was really nothin' but cheap entertainment for hippies who were stoned alla time. Anyhow, Danae and Cletus are gonna dress up like their favorite character from the show. They're even gonna do their vows in voices like some of the characters."

Giacomo chuckled. Danae was going to have a wedding like some stoner puppet show?

Uncle Sal took another sip of whiskey and said, "I don't really know too much about her, but I sure do feel bad for that girl."

"Why is that?"

"Aintcha listening? Because tomorrow she's gonna speak Krofft-y and marry a big hick."

This episode featured:
Weston Hooper as Uncle Sal
Joaquin Springer as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the highball glass

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Au contraire, mon frere."

Uncle Sal and Sister Mary Evelyn's Lost Canasta Game (Episode 33)

Gary Gonzo — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 04:52:36 GMT

Uncle Sal brushed a bread crumb from his vermilion bowler hat and looked across the table at his sister. "Whatsa matter, Evelyn? You barely touched your pickled pigs feet."

Mary Evelyn sighed audibly and said, "It's one of the girls at the convent. You remember the one I told you about, with the noises coming from the room?"

"Course I remember."

"Well, thankfully, those noises have stopped." She kissed her crucifix and continued. "But now, she just seems so unhappy."

"Course she's unhappy. I mean, she had to stop..."

"Sal! It's more than that. She doesn't seem interested in anything now. She doesn't want to come to any meals. She doesn't want to pray. And Sal, you should see the look in her eyes. I don't think I've ever seen anyone so sad. I just get this feeling that she wants to leave the convent and go back to life outside. I guess if that is God's plan for her...that's fine. It's just, she's really a good and decent member of our group. It would be a shame to lose her."

Uncle Sal had tuned out when she started talking about the convent, but realized he needed to say something to fill the silence. He opened his mouth and Mary Evelyn continued, "She doesn't even want to play our weekly canasta game. She's the one that said she wanted to learn. And she's great. I love having her as my partner. We've tried to find someone to take her place, but no one has jumped in yet. Sal, what do you think we should do?"

Uncle Sal took a bite of bread and chewed deliberately as he tried to think of what to say. After swallowing the bread, he said, "It sounds to me like you don't have much choice. You'll have to forsake play while the nun pines."

This episode featured:
Dewey Swenson as Uncle Sal
Olga Ho as Sister Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pickled pigs feet

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Don't call me Shirley."